Transparency.

 2 Corinthians 3:2 - 2 The only letter of recommendation we need is you yourselves. Your lives are a letter written in our hearts; everyone can read it and recognize our good work among you. 3 Clearly, you are a letter from Christ showing the result of our ministry among you. This “letter” is written not with pen and ink, but with the Spirit of the living God. It is carved not on tablets of stone, but on human hearts.

Blessings Saints. 

This post is going to take a lot out of me but God has really been pushing me to be transparent and open. This is one of those posts that I'm not going to really edit because I want this to be as raw as possible. I was legit planning to go to my grave with this secret but God had other plans.

This is probably NOT going to come as a shock to some people but the fact that I'm acknowledging it and putting it out in the open may change how people see me. At the end of the day Galatians 2:20  and them tings there. 

Most of my friends do NOT know this and I've only told 3 people so this is gonna shake a lot of perceptions but again we move. 

Here we gooooo

When I was younger I was always told that I was quite 'effeminate' and I think my Mum noticed a lot because she used to point it out a lot. I hated it to be honest. Almost everyone called me gay. It didn't help that I wasn't really into football.  I preferred to read, swim ,sing and play instruments. I wasn't really a "boys" boy. I was also told that I wasn't even a boy. Yikes. As I got older (and I'm guessing this is because everything that was constantly hitting my ears) I started to believe it all and even started befriending more girls than guys. If you knew me in primary and secondary, you can probably vouch and say this was very true. The truth is, I just didn't feel like I fit in anywhere. In a nutshell, from a young age (10), I really hated myself and was high-key suicidal. It’s hard to believe but looking back it was my reality. Now I'm not going to blame anyone but I am going to say that speaking loose about other people and teasing them is never it and never will be. Please watch how you speak to people. The only reason I never went ahead with suicide was literally because I was told I would go to hell if I did + my fear of knives.

But here comes the main thing. I had noticed from that young age that I had actually taken in interest in the same sex. Now when I say young I say like 6/7. I didn't really know what it was up until I was about 10/11 and I kinda clocked that what I was going through would be described as bisexuality. Now I know a lot of people are probably gonna think "uh duh" or " it was bait" but for someone like me who hated myself, you don’t take notice of yourself  too tough. In addition, growing up in a Nigerian Christian household made it very clear that these things that I was feeling would mean that I would never be accepted. There was always a constant conflict in my head. My thoughts were always screaming at me and I felt like I had to make a decision. Now I'm naturally quite a closed off person so I hid this for time. But whilst this was going on, I started developing lustful thoughts for both genders and then a friend introduced me to porn....

Porn ruined me for a very long time and distorted my views on a lot of things. Masturbation followed soon. This followed me up until very recently actually and it's only by God's grace that it's all behind me and that I'm now free. With regards to my identity and me almost identifying as bisexual back then, when I gave my life back in March 2019, I really prayed on it and asked God to really help me see myself as He sees me. His love has definitely transformed my mind. I can't even express how depressed I was for the majority of my childhood holding on to these things. A ton of other things came with this too like friendship issues, A-levels, dealing with attraction to people that were off limits and a bunch of other things. I KNOW it is God who has preserved me because for a long time I placed such little value on my life and I promise you I didn't care about anything. I thank God for giving me the courage to share this and honestly if anyone is going through something similar, my dm's are open and I'm ready to talk.

God healed me and He will heal you too!

He sorted out my identity issues and He will do it for you too!

I now see myself how God sees me and I'm so content. On top of that with friends and stuff, I struggle(d) to make tightt male friends because satan keeps trying to trap me and remind me of my past. He tries to make me feel like it won't work or that I'm the odd one out. I know that me putting this out there will definitely change things because now it's out in the open. Like I said, I’ve never felt like I fit in anywhere so even though I have friends, I struggle to be open and actually allow myself to be tight with them. In all honesty I have never really felt like I've had close friends. Even though it may seem like it, I've never really FELT it. It's through no fault of their own but just my inability to allow people close to me. All my friends that are reading this: you're all good people and I love you guys bares but at least you know why sometimes I just run away or move someway - I don't feel like I fit in and I always feel like the outsider. The bad thing is that I've gotten used to it and I've become very independent. I've been praying on it and I know God is doing wonders. 

I know I'm probably get some eyes and people may start judging me and looking at me different but I know that Christ thought I was worth saving and that's all that matters. I'm tired of fake friends so I'm sure this is part of the whittling process :) I'm the same me I was before you knew this.

Don’t be afraid to address these things. Once we open up, Satan can’t hold us back by our secrets anymore. It’s a wild concept but it’s true.

I'm proud to be me now because I'm a city set on a hill 🔆🔆

But yeah, that's me in a post. 

I'm probably gonna throw my phone away now that I've posted this. Love you guys - stay blessed and never stress because in Christ we have eternal rest❤️