Testimony Time

“And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the death.”

‭‭Revelation‬ ‭12:11‬ ‭KJV‬‬

Blessings Saints! Hope everyone is blessed and doing well. I’m back again with another Testimony Time but with a little twist ; this testimony belongs to one of my bro’s. I’m gonna link his Twitter and Snapchat at the bottom.

If you can identify with any of the things he has spoken about, please don’t hesitate to message him and get in touch. 

Hope you’re blessed 😎🙌🏿

My testimony on low self-esteem/confidence

Where do I start? From as young as I can remember, I was an overweight child from the age of 5-6) due to unhealthy eating, lack of exercise alongside my metabolism was not in full effect yet. Not only this but my skin was sensitive from a young age as well, but I would also suffer from eczema/rashes the odd time it made feel awkward. Furthermore, my mum took me to the GP countless times but they offered creams that were ineffective, most of the time. But I thank God that my mum found a cream that was worked - cream to me seems like a temporary solution, I say this because everything is sorted out in the secret place (the secret place is mentioned in Matthew 6). However, this all took place way before I had an inkling of who God was.

 

Fast forward to the ages of 7-9 is when I used to play football, even though I was still overweight. However, I was decent I played for a team called “junior reds” who had links with Charlton FC and training was every Saturday, in the early mornings. So, you can imagine that I would have to wake up early with my brother (who I can only thank God for his life) and most times run to catch the bus. Long story short I left this team as the manager was quite young (18-19) at the time, I believe he went to university (his reason for leaving) so I then trailed for another team in Mottingham, called “Cray Wanderers.” To be honest they were quite average. We lost too many games, I remember in training I disliked running because it was so long and I would be near the back, but not at the very back of the line of people running. Moreover, as a team, we only trained on Monday nights at 7 PM (imagine at age 10 you know)?? And as a young child, I just wanted to win games, so when I used to come back every Sunday with complaints my mum would feel sorry for me. She even used to say, “when will this team win?” (something along those lines). I was embarrassed by my body shape at this team because the clothing was tight and I didn’t look slim/skinny like the other kids, nor could I run as fast as some of them. There were even days when I would skip training and sleep through my alarm, as I had self-esteem problems and was fearful. At one point I trained with my primary school team and played one match for them, as I already had a team outside of school and they played on the days I would train on. Funnily, I later found out that one of the teachers mentioned that I needed to lose weight when I wasn’t there. Moreover, this was also another factor that contributed to me not playing for my school team.

 

Afterwards having that experience at this team, I decided that I would give up football because I didn’t think I was good enough (at age 10-11, imagine), this is why children should be raised in the Christian faith because the devil doesn’t waste time concerning his cunning schemes. At this point, I was about to join what they call “big boy school” secondary school- I attended a school in Brockley (Ladywell) called Prendergast Ladywell School, which had different branches, like Harris Academy. You could dispute that I was bullied during certain periods of my secondary school experience. I vividly remember crying when I was eating in the canteen because someone in my year group said, “I need to stop eating.” I cried and threw my food on the floor and no one consoled me. When the teacher came the student, who made commented was asked why he said that he replied: “there was something burnt on the roll” that was a lie, but I laughed it off and then we went our separate ways. To make matters worse I would always eat lunch, so I was always worried about who was watching me and I didn’t make many friends in the first year of school. Besides this, at that young age, my emotions were high and later on in school, the height of my emotions declined.

 

I can’t recall much of year 7 but I can certainly recall parts of year 8, as this is when I met “Kelvin” someone I can’t even call a friend, but a brother. From 2015 till now, Kelvin and I have spoken consistently every over day on WhatsApp, Snapchat, Messenger (you name it). I do believe he was sent from the Lord. The angle was slowly shifting because he would then advise me, help me revise, walk around with me in school and I can say that he has seen my grow from my unbeliever days. I think what helped better was that we were in the same year and he was older than me (not that age = wisdom). However, he never failed to encourage me when I didn’t even believe myself. After year 8 ended, I would then start my exercise program (by the help of my sister’s partner and my best friend). The program wasn’t gruesome but was intense and required a lot of dedication from myself. I started in August 2016 and finished the program around January 2017. In that time, I believe I lost around two stones which is equivalent to 12 kilograms. What was amazing is that God was working in my life when I never knew about His nature.

 

Moving on from the above, I remember the remarks I received about my weight loss (I guess I encouraged others). There was a specific moment in year 9 when I stopped wearing a blazer and wore my jumper and one of the males in my year group said, “you’ve lost so much weight” and I won’t lie it was an amazing feeling knowing that. Not only that, but he was one of the people who consistently encouraged me to stay fit, alongside another close friend of his. However, because I did not know my identity in Christ, I had not gained my confidence, in the Lord. So, because of a lack of confidence, I had problems socialising with others (making friends). I was very rude and discourteous, to be fair. And what better way for the devil to make me stumble by coming across (some) females every day of my secondary school life who I would clash with every week, get intimidated by and become afraid of. Honestly, I would see my friends socialise with girls and I'd just stand in worry/fear because I had a preconceived judgment about them, which wasn’t true. At some points in my early teenage years, I would randomly laugh if females were around so that my anxiety would not get the best of me. Additionally, this was left unaddressed and became worse as I progressed in secondary school- it became worse because I now felt that I needed to prove a point to females. After all, the ones I came across disrespected me. Also, as I witnessed some situations that my male friends went through with the opposite sex, my anxiety and misjudgement increased.

 

Additionally, I would then result in intimidating some of the females I knew because some of them did the same. As believers we know very well that we shouldn’t repay evil with evil but with good (Romans 12:17-21, 1 Peter 3:9). Unfortunately, I knew no better and continued to do worse, I should have been excluded, leave alone have got kicked out but God has a plan for everyone. Losing weight which I thought would have given me confidence, ended up in me turning into a bully from ages 13-14. In year 9 I became known for the wrong reasons, as I making “diss tracks” for music lessons and would insult those in class who intimidated me. Every week, I was just condemning myself further without knowing and I would comfortably be quoting scripture on social media when I was living contrary to the word of God. And for the record, any form of bullying or defiling behaviour is unacceptable and is not of God. So due to my intimidating of others, I was often remorseless when I was in the wrong (also somewhat “emotionless”). A result of this was my mum receiving countless calls from the school about my behaviour, in which I was not willing to change because it didn’t bother me. But an incident happened which could have seen me excluded for a while, possibly getting in trouble with the law enforcement and that was a huge alarm for me that I won’t forget (one of the few times I cried). Luckily, the police did not have to get involved – from this, I became aware of moral values and respect towards others.

 

At 14 I am certain that I was maintaining an image for females that did not even care about me, I even considered myself as “most hated” at one point. To make things worse when you are surrounded by a lust-driven environment your image of females is totally altered and you begin to objectify them (kmt)- it’s a shame that this is still a common thing in modern- day society which I do not support (I thank God that the veil was removed- 2 Cor 3:13, 4:4). What the world will call, “hormone central” in the stages of puberty is what I think can get misunderstood as the “schemes of Satan.” Aside from this, I did things for the sake of ratings, Galatians 1:10 “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Unfortunately, I fell into the trap of trying to please others so I would be “satisfied” and as expected those people didn’t even care. To those who know me will be surprised by this because all I ever did in secondary school was bottle up the past and exploded when I could not handle it. So, as I stated earlier, this was a factor to me becoming “emotionless” I would not have described myself as desensitized because I still experienced a lot of pain, that I neglected- even to the extent that I rejected the idea of crying as I found it pointless. Moreover, the majority of my emotions were outburst of anger.

 

Continuing from the information mentioned above, I met young females (the majority of them were not in the Lord) who tainted my image of women and inspired thoughts of me not getting married, or disrespecting females that I may meet. At certain points, I even questioned my friends on how to become friends with females (listen, it was intense). An incident with me and one of my closest female friends happened and she got kicked out and we fell out (in year 11). Losing friends then did actually hurt because I felt like I needed them dearly when those were toxic friendships. The reason why I struggled to talk to teachers was that I just felt they would not understand, nor would they care. So, you can conclude from that point I was in dire need of God’s love and I think I was very weary (I definitely needed Matthew 11:28-30, Isaiah 40:28-31). Again, what started off as a low self-esteem issue spiralled into many problems and resulted in me getting into many scenarios. My brother is literally one of my few witnesses who saw me annoyed every day after school and advised me so many times, but I refused to listen because I never thought would he said would happen or would be considered useful. As a result, in the final year of secondary school, I had a shattered mindset on myself, school and females. From this, I can conclude that this was a result of lack of knowledge alongside what the church does not delve into much. What was interesting is I made remarks about myself but I never meant them or understood the role God’s grace played in my life.

Furthermore, in year 11 I faced some tough battles that later helped me become a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17 - glory to God). As a secondary school student, I was smart but I allowed the affairs of life to get to me, one too many times. Even then, I would listen to so many secular songs that corresponded with how I felt (quick U-turn I am about to do). You see feelings, they are very misleading. To whoever reads this, constantly remind yourself of your identity in God “I am the righteousness of God, I am no longer a sinner, I am fearfully and wonderfully made” because Satan likes to feed on ignorance and that’s where he catches many believers, unfortunately (U-turn complete). Back to what I was stating, I allowed certain songs to dictate how I would behave (even my attire) When some of the worldly songs I liked were played, I felt completely different and felt “empowered” but was deceived, I felt “full” but was empty, I felt “incomplete” but needed Christ. What I would have described at the time as ‘lowered self-esteem' grew into anxiety, bitterness, sadness and anger. Furthermore, it became a habit of mine to distance myself from people because I felt as if I was always bothering them (I felt like a burden to others). As well as this, I always felt offended at small things due to holding everything in.

At the time all this craziness was taking place, I was attending church. But the church is not your identity, but a building where we can go to worship the Lord. Going church every week does not mean anything if you are not growing in the word of God. So, what we had here was just the case of a churchgoer. Probably the most awaited question, what caused/inspired change? What inspired me was one of my youth leaders [in church] Martins hunger for Christ (God rest his soul) and spending time with people who love God. There were great examples set for me by those who love God and I am grateful for their lives. So as of August 2019, I have been born-again. Yes, there have been some uphill challenges but I’ll include that in the upcoming testimonies (oops- spoiler alert). However, I did not start reading my Bible until March, whereby the word of God revealed to me my true identity, not bravados I would put on in secondary school for the sake of approval or lack of confidence. One thing I do want to tell you all is that Satan will frequently use your past but remind him that the old man died a long time ago and remind him (Satan) that he has been defeated. I say this because the moment you give Satan an inch, he’ll take more than a yard, mile or kilometre. I received Christ a week later, I was baptised and I am thankful my church touched on the importance of baptism and what it signified. But I belong to Christ and have received eternal life (we thank God).

Ever since receiving Christ, I have never been the same- what I want to add is never think you are too young/old for the Lord to use you because there are many examples of such in the Bible. There were even points when I thought I was too young, but please “despise not my youth” 1 Timothy 4:12. We know Moses had a stutter and Abraham had a child at what the world would call a “controversial age." In all this, I believe that God is capable of working in anyone and everyone – Jeremiah 32:27 “I am the Lord, God of all mankind, is anything too hard for me?” Also, regardless of the narrative of your scenario, lean not on your understanding and trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6), for He knows all and what is best for you. Thankfully, this is something I am being delivered from and since the beginning of the year, it has been easier to show empathy towards others. In comparison to my secondary self, I have become aware society downplays some situations that both men and women experience, this also participated in me being empathetic. All glory to God making a way for me when I thought it was impossible – Mark 9:23 “if you can’?” Said, Jesus. “Everything is possible for the one who believes.” Trust me, everyone, all you need to do is walk in your Christ-realities, understand them (blessings- Ephesians 1:3) and you will not be the same, God has already done it. He did it all on the cross, “it is finished”- John 19:30. Also, God’s grace which I’m so thankful I have, even though I don’t deserve it, His grace has helped me amidst trials (2 Corinthians 12:9) – glory to the Father, the Alpha and Omega! Also, I noticed that I depended on myself a lot instead of the Father and I want to encourage you to put your hope in God and not men.

Credits:

First and foremost, God

My parents and siblings

My friends

Generation of God seekers church

Fellowship London

House of Praise church (RCCG)

Fellowship London

Christian Influencers/artists

And to all who have impacted me that I have not mentioned, God bless you and I love you all. I would appreciate if you keep me in your prayers after reading this.

Twitter- prxnce_23

Snapchat - nmlg_3